It’s Christmas time and there’s no need to be afraid. Or is there?

Hugh Fort vents his spleen over a not-so-jolly festive staple

It’s Christmas time, and that means presents, parties and general over-excess.

What is also means for me is an annual dilemma among all the festive fun.

There’s one Christmas-related item that fills me full of festive fear – the Brussels sprout.

As everyone’s around the dinner table being jolly, I know it’s only a matter of time before one of those bitter, green balls of misery lands of my plate.

“I don’t like them,” I say.

The entire family begins a chorus of “Try it, it’s Christmas”.

But Christmas should be exclusively a time for fun and enjoyment, not eating grotestque vegetables.

This year, I decided to explore the grimmest of all festive trimmings and to try a few recipes to see if this vile-tasting veggie could be turned into something palatable.

So, my girlfriend and I spent a Sunday afternoon rustling some sprout-based recipes to see if there is anything that can be done to reduce the misery of a plate of boiled sprouts.

We decided to go for the traditional boiled method, a festive alternative, something completely different and something we made up ourselves.

First, the boiled version.

My father suggested for maximum grossness to cook them for 45 minutes in unsalted water.

However we decided for around 8 minutes with a bit of salt.

I’m always taken aback by just how awful boiled sprouts are.

That combination of bitter and mushy is just horrible.

There was simply no way I could eat more than one. They were truly revolting.

I’d be extremely sceptical of anyone who says they like sprouts cooked like this in the same way I’d be suspicious of a person ordering a well-done steak.

So boiled sprouts are out. Forever.

The second recipe is an extremely simple way of cooking them – with bacon and chestnuts.

After cooking the chestnuts, whack them and bacon in some butter and then add the sprouts, warm them through and serve.

You’re on to a winner with bacon and butter and I love chestnuts, so it was promising,

Despite the range of flavours to mask the yukky sprout taste, it still came through. It was an appearance about as welcome as that family member no-one really likes and only ever sees at Christmas.

It was better than boiled sprouts. As is almost everything, bar being shot. Maybe.

But I felt there was better.

The next recipe is again very simple: use your cooked sprouts with the “holy trinity” of garlic, ginger and chilli.

Stir fry with a bit of soy sauce and hey presto.

This is very quick, but my girlfriend made a good point: would you want all those Chinese-y flavours on a plate of Christmas dinner?

My answer, yes, as it effectively masked the flavour of the sprouts.

The hotness of the ginger and chilli took the taste of the sprout mostly away.

The mushy texture was not that bad in this context and I admitted I could fairly happily eat this.

Our final attempt was a creative masterstroke. We boiled some potatoes, used what remained of the bacon and some wicked black pudding to make sprout cakes.

We crushed the potatoes and mashed in the black pudding, some shallots, a bit of garlic, salt and pepper, bacon, and, sadly, the sprouts and made some sprout cakes.

We fried them up and – what do you know? – they were very tasty.

With nice and creamy, but not too creamy potato, tasty, salty bacon and black pudding and the sprouts adding a more cabbage-y type flavour, with the bitterness not as dominating.

These were our winner and we felt they could go well on a plate alongside turkey and, er roast potatoes.

Maybe not, but they’re still a million billion times tastier than those boiled sprouts, which should only ever be used a torture device.

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